Giving Yourself Permission to Indulge

Giving ourselves permission to indulge can be a scary concept. I think a lot of women struggle with the idea that if they “give in”, all their “hard work” will be for nothing. All the grueling workouts - a waste. All the moments of self discipline that felt as though they required every ounce of strength in their reserves to say “no” - a waste. A lot of us feel like if we say “yes”, there will be no end in sight. If I “give in”, I won’t be able to stop myself… in fact, I’ll never stop, and then I’ll be [insert fear of being rejected / unworthy / undeserving of love / acceptance]. What if for a moment we suspended the self imposed conditions to be worthy of love?

I know, because I lived in this space. I had completely accepted that I would never be able to indulge. In fact, for a large part of my life, just the knowing that I may be tempted at a certain gathering or celebration, would instantly trigger anxiety and fear throughout my body to the point where I would consider not attending at all. I came to a point, however, where I realized this was not sustainable. Not only was it unbearable to exist in this place of fear and anxiety, but it was inhibiting me from living life, from fully being a part of and embracing the experiences of this life, and from showing up in a way that allowed me to be my most present, authentic self; how could I show up as my best self when the majority of thoughts running through my head at any given moment were entangled in the fear of “giving in”?  I wasn’t present to those around me - I was a prisoner to the preservation of an external perception in order to protect and maintain a perceived conditional love.

It’s not an overnight shift. In fact, this is something I still struggle with to this day. Although, what is motivating, exciting, and something I choose to celebrate, is how much LESS often I notice these thoughts of anxiety, fear, and unworthiness surfacing. Instead, I am able to notice these thoughts, get curious as to the truthfulness (untruthfulness really) of them, separate myself from them, and choose in that instant how I want to proceed. I am able to separate and ask myself which version of me is the most authentic and most embodied version in this moment and move forward from that space.

Working through these moments is not easy. I know at the time, they can feel all consuming - like your whole body is on fire and you actually have lost all control of your impulses. But, the good thing is, we are resilient and adaptable beings. Research on neuroplasticity has shown us that we are capable of rewiring our brain - of carving new neural pathways that serve the evolution into our most embodied, authentic selves. When you find yourself spiraling, consumed by anxiety, feeling the compulsion to isolate, or one of the many other ways fear is manifesting in you…

1. Notice

Notice when you start to feel anxious, scared, dread, etc. Where does that show up in your body? Is it somersaults in your stomach? is it tingling in your chest? Is it tension in your jaw? What starts to happen in your body when you are in situations that trigger you?

2. Step Back

Give yourself space to process this. If that means excusing yourself for a moment, simply do that. Allow yourself the space and time to slowly breathe into these feelings. Practice slowly inhaling and exhaling through your nose. You can try a variety of calming breathing techniques, but a simple strategy is to inhale for 4 counts and exhale for 6 counts (or any amount of time longer than the inhale). This will automatically shift you into a parasympathetic state - you’ll be more clear headed while your body enters a relaxed state. In this space, your bodily sensations lose a lot of their power - instead of reacting at the will of our emotions and accompanying bodily sensations, we are able to observe the sensations as merely that - sensations in our body that will pass - such is the impermanence of life.

3. Get Curious

Once you have a better handle on the emotions and sensations that are circulating in your body, start to get curious about the truthfulness of the thoughts that are passing through your head. What are you believing to be true that is acting as a catalyst for this emotion? For the context of this post, that could look like: 

“If I eat that, I won’t be able to stop, I’ll eat the whole cake, and will gain weight…”

“If I gain weight, I’m not worthy of love”

“If I eat that, it will erase all the progress I’ve made in my health so far”. 

These are powerful thoughts that play a huge role in dictating our behavior; without any sort of questioning or curiosity as to the validity of them, they’ll continue to do so. Start to ask yourself:

“Is that true?”

“Is it true that if I gain weight, I’m unworthy of love?”

“Why do I think love is conditional based on my physical appearance?”

“What if I were actually inherently worthy of love despite the way I look physically? Could that be true for me? Why not?”

“Am I unable to control myself? What if I were able to enjoy just one piece of cake and be satisfied?”

You see, the great part of getting curious is that its endless - you could continue on and on forever asking yourself these questions - offering alternate realities to the one you have operated within for years. Once we get curious, however, we empower ourselves to define the rules, to create our own reality, and to be the artist of our own lives.

4. Choose

This is the fun part. Once you start to get curious and realize that there is NOT one way you have to react - in fact, there are infinite ways you can respond - you immediately take your power back. You are able to separate from the compulsion. You are able to separate from the child inside of you making the calls in an attempt to remain safe - in an attempt to remain loved. This is when you can assess all your options and make a choice from a place of security, worthiness, and authentic deservingness. This is when you get to make a choice that is different than those you’ve made in the past. A choice that changes your trajectory. A choice that reinforces a new, more evolved, and highest serving, neural pathway. 

Learning how to safely indulge is not an easy task. It’s one that, like I said, to this day, still creeps up to challenge my growth and test my progress. This is the journey, this is the work. I can say, though, that there are fewer joys as fulfilling and freeing as overcoming a moment of paralyzing anxiety, fear, or dread and choosing a reality that serves you. The next time you are met with an instance like this, I invite you to call on these steps, nourish your soul, choose to be present, and choose to partake in a celebrating life with those you love over the shared gift of delicious and nourishing foods.